Life constantly throws challenges at us. How do we deal with a difficulties in our relationships? Deaths in the family? Moving away from those who have cared for us for so long? True, there is no manual on life. We all have to come to grips with the changes we face in our own way.
Within the last two weeks, I have faced my own challenges and have tried to be a friend to those facing their own. In my life, I have graduated from grad school, entertained 50 of my closest friends and family at a wedding reception, and moved to a new city in a new state. Outside of my life, my core family is adjusting to me being away, two of my friends are confronting major decisions with their relationships, and another is battling with a major snafoo at her college. When so much can change so soon, how do we keep moving? I don't have all the answers, but I do have some suggestions:
1. Keep Busy. The worst thing you can do is nothing, because then all you think about is how you could have changed things, or how daunting the whole situation is. Find a hobby. And I don't mean video games or books. Get active, join something, start something, be social. Get out of the house and experience life as it happens around you. By getting some fresh air, you might also get a fresh perspective.
2. Talk it out. However works best for you, get your feelings out. This could take the form of blogging, talking to a close friend, or just standing in the mirror and putting all of your feelings into words. By getting the emotions out, you'll be able to verbalize the issue and see a solution even easier.
3. Love yourself. Finally, don't forget about you. Be a little selfish sometimes. When we're trying to get over a major change that has happened in our lives, we can become self-pitying and lose sight of all that we did and loved before that thing happened. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself, go ride your bike or invite some friends over. Ice cream always helps me (in moderation). Remember all the things you used to do before and do them. All of them. Love you and grow as a person. You are you, not the thing that happened to you. Realizing that is one of the best ways to get past a catastrophe.
This is no where near an exhaustive list, but hopefully this can help you. This post is dedicated to all of the friends and friends of friends who have been going through it in the last few weeks. Keep your head up, go do something, verbalize what you're feeling, and love yourself. Peace.
May 10, 2010
Mar 22, 2010
Why is the term 'negro' on the 2010 Census?
Since the census went out, I have heard this question so many times. I have seen it in newspaper articles and on the lips of close friends and relatives. So I did some digging and found this question answered on the Census Question and Answer page:
Question: Why is the term "Negro" used in the race question?
Answer: A test embedded in the 2010 Census will measure the effect of removing the term "Negro" on reports about a person’s racial identity. The results will be used to inform design changes for future surveys and the 2020 Census. In the 2000 Census, more than 50,000 persons chose to write down explicitly that they identified themselves as “Negro.”
ADDITIONAL BACKGROUND:
The Census Bureau included the term “Negro” because testing prior to Census 2000 indicated that numbers of respondents self-identified with this term. Census 2000 data showed that 56,175 respondents wrote in the term "Negro" in response to the question on race, even though the term was included in the category label for a checkbox. This does not include the unknown numbers of respondents who may have checked the box “Black, African Am., or Negro” because of the presence of the “Negro” identifier.
Research in the 2000s did not include studies of the effect of dropping “Negro” from the list “Black, African Am., or Negro” on responses. Such research is important to avoid unanticipated consequences of changing question wording on the outcome of a census. As stated above, this research will be conducted as part of the 2010 decennial census.
So, to break that down further, over 50,000 people WROTE IN the term 'negro' on their census in 2000. That's not to say that it was a good idea to put it on the 2010 form, but that is a strong identification that the term meant something to the people that wrote it in 10 years ago. I put up this note because there are too many people blinded by pride who are choosing not to fill out the form because they feel the term 'negro' is too reminiscent of slavery. Personally, I agree and do not identify as negro. I identify as African American, and there was a check-box on my form that said that (along with other things). I am filling out my census on behalf of my community, and area that I deeply care about and want to see properly supported. As a member of a democracy, I have sent emails to my elected officials and hope not to see the word 'negro' on a census form again. But this slip up will not prevent me from doing my part to help my community.
Question: Why is the term "Negro" used in the race question?
Answer: A test embedded in the 2010 Census will measure the effect of removing the term "Negro" on reports about a person’s racial identity. The results will be used to inform design changes for future surveys and the 2020 Census. In the 2000 Census, more than 50,000 persons chose to write down explicitly that they identified themselves as “Negro.”
ADDITIONAL BACKGROUND:
The Census Bureau included the term “Negro” because testing prior to Census 2000 indicated that numbers of respondents self-identified with this term. Census 2000 data showed that 56,175 respondents wrote in the term "Negro" in response to the question on race, even though the term was included in the category label for a checkbox. This does not include the unknown numbers of respondents who may have checked the box “Black, African Am., or Negro” because of the presence of the “Negro” identifier.
Research in the 2000s did not include studies of the effect of dropping “Negro” from the list “Black, African Am., or Negro” on responses. Such research is important to avoid unanticipated consequences of changing question wording on the outcome of a census. As stated above, this research will be conducted as part of the 2010 decennial census.
So, to break that down further, over 50,000 people WROTE IN the term 'negro' on their census in 2000. That's not to say that it was a good idea to put it on the 2010 form, but that is a strong identification that the term meant something to the people that wrote it in 10 years ago. I put up this note because there are too many people blinded by pride who are choosing not to fill out the form because they feel the term 'negro' is too reminiscent of slavery. Personally, I agree and do not identify as negro. I identify as African American, and there was a check-box on my form that said that (along with other things). I am filling out my census on behalf of my community, and area that I deeply care about and want to see properly supported. As a member of a democracy, I have sent emails to my elected officials and hope not to see the word 'negro' on a census form again. But this slip up will not prevent me from doing my part to help my community.
Mar 1, 2010
Proper Concert Etiquette
So, I attended a John Mayer concert (featuring Michael Franti) at Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids last night. It was was a sort of ladies night for me, my friend Tori, and her sister Chrissi. Overall, I had a wonderful time. But for the life of me, I can't understand how some people still don't understand what the proper etiquette is for a concert. And, contrary to popular belief, there is an etiquette for concerts. That's why I'm here! Let me school you right quick:
Rule #1: Concerts are made for standing.
I don't know about any of you, but when I'm at home and I'm feeling a song, I get up and dance. I also dance at nightclubs, bathrooms, and kareoke bars. So, if I happen to be seeing one of my favorite artists in concert (Robin Thicke, Maxwell, Johnny Boy, etc.), why would you expect me to sit in my seat? I paid very good money for these tickets, so I will enjoy myself for every dollar I spent. And if that means that I'm standing up, you better not bitch if you're sitting behind me. Let me give you a prime example: I was at the Maxwell concert in Detroit not long ago and was having a good old time. But I heard a very old woman say "This is a grown and sexy concert; we all gon' be sitting down." Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Them tickets was more than a good pair of shoes. I'll be damned if I don't enjoy myself. You better get ur old ass up, or out.
Rule #2: It typically gets very hot at concerts.
If you've ever been to a concert, I'm sure you know how hot it gets. And, if you haven't, let me give you a mental picture: imagine about 600-1000 people standing in very close proximity to each other for about 3 hours. Most likely everyone's mouth is open and they're screaming the whole time. Besides the hot breath, there are no windows and the A/C looses its kick right around the 30 minute mark. Given this scenario, why would you wear a long sleeved collared shirt and a North Face fleece and expect not to be on fire? And, my dears, if you are stupid enough to do something like this, please don't lean over to me every 3.5 minutes and remark about the temperature of the room. You've been warned; if you cry to me about this, I will let you know about yourself.
Rule #3: Use caution when speaking to strangers
For whatever reason, alcohol + large public gatherings encourages people to make new friends with whoever might (unfortunately) be seated to the direct left or right of them. Beware of this. While I am not excusing the people who do this, I do want you to be prepared. You might encounter Tim, who happens to be there with a girl, but they're just friends, and now he wants to be your best friend. Tim will tell you his life story as soon as his not-quite-a-date date goes to the bathroom. He'll tell you how far he traveled for the concert, where he plans to take his not-quite-a-date date when they leave the concert, and what hotel they booked for the night. Just humor him with a couple quick nods and smiles. Also, look out for Kara. While she seems nice enough, Kara has had way too much to drink, and she will also become your best friend before the opening act packs up. By friend, I mean hanging all over you, shouting the lyrics in your ear, and inviting herself into the group photos you take with your real friends. Kara might need a little more nudging to get the hint, but she'll understand when you start leaning into your own friends throughout the rest of the night.
Rule #4: If you want to make out, buy the CD and take ur ass home
This final rule is also the most important. While I like to believe that its just me and him when I'm smoochin with my hunny in public, I know there are other people there, and it makes everyone feel a little less comfortable. If you recall from Rule #1, I spent a lot of $$ for these tickets, and I didn't pay for the impromptu soft-core happening in Row 6. Take it home, people. Or, just to be romantic, contain all the sexual tension for the bathroom stall you'll eventually sneak off to (CLASSY!). But seriously, unless its the end of a the night at a undergraduate basement party, keep it in your pants til you find a private place. That way I won't uncomfortably stare at you with the stink face while I should be focusing on John Mayer and his unusually tiny butt.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I hope these rules will make your next concert experience a little bit better. Please feel free to pass this along to the Tim's and Kara's in your life. They'll need it.
With love,
xoxo
Feb 24, 2010
Some Good Does Come Out of Social Media
Jay Smooth - How to Tell People They Are Racist
Hello world.
As part of the administration at a public university, I get invited to a lot of meetings and events. Today, for example, I got invited to a speaker who talked to us about embracing our uniqueness and unpacking our social baggage. He spoke about understanding what makes us 'us' and recognizing those same unique qualities in others. He was a fabulous speaker by the name of Vernon Wall. Google him.
Anyway, by far the most resonating part of Vernon's presentation was when he introduced me (and about 60 of my colleagues) to a man by the name of Jay Smooth. Jay Smooth is a hip-hop blogger and radio host out of New York. What caught my eye the most is how Jay makes a case for social issue that exist both inside and outside the hip-hop spectrum. He touched on issues like race, homophobia, American tradition, and how important it is to know what you're saying BEFORE you say it.
I urge everyone to check him out. He's got a Youtube page, and for anyone who's like you, you'll be clicking on all his videos for the next hour or so. I also suggest you check out his website Ill Doctrine, where there is a larger and more diverse collection of his videos.
I won't say too much about why I have become his newest fan/groupie. I'll let you figure that out on your own. So, enjoy, my loves.
Hello world.
As part of the administration at a public university, I get invited to a lot of meetings and events. Today, for example, I got invited to a speaker who talked to us about embracing our uniqueness and unpacking our social baggage. He spoke about understanding what makes us 'us' and recognizing those same unique qualities in others. He was a fabulous speaker by the name of Vernon Wall. Google him.
Anyway, by far the most resonating part of Vernon's presentation was when he introduced me (and about 60 of my colleagues) to a man by the name of Jay Smooth. Jay Smooth is a hip-hop blogger and radio host out of New York. What caught my eye the most is how Jay makes a case for social issue that exist both inside and outside the hip-hop spectrum. He touched on issues like race, homophobia, American tradition, and how important it is to know what you're saying BEFORE you say it.
I urge everyone to check him out. He's got a Youtube page, and for anyone who's like you, you'll be clicking on all his videos for the next hour or so. I also suggest you check out his website Ill Doctrine, where there is a larger and more diverse collection of his videos.
I won't say too much about why I have become his newest fan/groupie. I'll let you figure that out on your own. So, enjoy, my loves.
Feb 22, 2010
Love Your Body
As a woman myself, I know that there are things we fret over that never cross the minds of our male counterparts. We think about if the milk has gone bad, if the bed was made, did we take all the vitamins and pills we were supposed to take and what will happen if we haven't. Silly things that really shouldn't occupy so much of our time. But the one thing that I believe all women shamefully obsess over is our bodies.
Being self-conscious is not just a western thing. Women across the world engage in different rituals to make their bodies look a particular way. Although it is less practiced, there is foot binding in some parts of Asia. There is also the practice of neck extension by use of rings in some African and Asian cultures. More contemporary women turn to a myriad of skin products, fad diets, and plastic surgery to get the bodies they have always wanted. But, when its all said and done, no women is ever 100% satisfied with the way they look in a mirror 100% of the time.
If this is the case, and I'm sure most/all women can attest to the fact that it is, then why do we spend so much time being interested in how we look? I can't help but find the source in our romantic/intimate interactions. I can't say that it is men who have "made us this way". For women who are attracted to other women, it seems like it would be even more difficult, trying to make yourself attractive to someone with the same set-up at you. But why are we so obsessed with attracting someone by using false advertising? Better yet, why are we still so obsessed with our bodies even AFTER we have finally snagged someone we claim to love and care about?
Granted, I am speaking from a place of privilege here. I have been blessed to find someone who loves me on my best and worst days. I have someone who has seen my weight fluctuate, my face break out, and my "morning face". Sometimes I do get a bit self-conscious, just for my own sake. But when I really think about it, I remember how silly it all is. I love me for me, every inch, pound, and pimple of me. Because I know that I cannot love anyone else before I love myself.
Those who matter don't judge, and those who judge don't matter.
Being self-conscious is not just a western thing. Women across the world engage in different rituals to make their bodies look a particular way. Although it is less practiced, there is foot binding in some parts of Asia. There is also the practice of neck extension by use of rings in some African and Asian cultures. More contemporary women turn to a myriad of skin products, fad diets, and plastic surgery to get the bodies they have always wanted. But, when its all said and done, no women is ever 100% satisfied with the way they look in a mirror 100% of the time.
If this is the case, and I'm sure most/all women can attest to the fact that it is, then why do we spend so much time being interested in how we look? I can't help but find the source in our romantic/intimate interactions. I can't say that it is men who have "made us this way". For women who are attracted to other women, it seems like it would be even more difficult, trying to make yourself attractive to someone with the same set-up at you. But why are we so obsessed with attracting someone by using false advertising? Better yet, why are we still so obsessed with our bodies even AFTER we have finally snagged someone we claim to love and care about?
Granted, I am speaking from a place of privilege here. I have been blessed to find someone who loves me on my best and worst days. I have someone who has seen my weight fluctuate, my face break out, and my "morning face". Sometimes I do get a bit self-conscious, just for my own sake. But when I really think about it, I remember how silly it all is. I love me for me, every inch, pound, and pimple of me. Because I know that I cannot love anyone else before I love myself.
Those who matter don't judge, and those who judge don't matter.
Feb 19, 2010
A Great Sense of Accomplishment
As a young person, I was always told to have goals. Into my adult life, I still fully support this notion. No matter if they are long term or short term goals, let your daily activities be for a greater cause that you can be proud of. At this exact point in my life, my goal is to have a marvelous wedding, no matter how "non-traditional" it is going to be.
For those who don't know, my fiance and I have made plans to get married in the VERY near future. Because of our time schedules and the fact that we live almost 6 hours away from each other, it makes sense for us to do things the way we are. We've planned an "intimate" ceremony with close family with a dinner to follow. But, regardless of the tiny size, this wedding is coming with all the fix'ns.
First, there's the dress: Without giving too much away, it is quite possibly the prettiest thing I have ever had the opportunity to put on. I feel more comfortable in it than I did in my prom dress. But it is the emotion that surrounded the purchase that impacted me the most. With this being the first purchase toward the wedding (and the fact that I went dress shopping alone, by choice), I was an emotional wreck. I cried in my car for about 20 minutes after I put the dress in my trunk. But, that was the first and largest hurdle I would have to get over in this process.
From here, everything else seemed pretty simple. I've picked out the rings, we've secured the venue, and I sorta have my hair picked out. From here, I still have flowers, shoes, make-up, and pampering. Oy-vey!
In all seriousness, I am in a strange zen-state right now. I have an amazing support system of friends and family behind me. I truly believe that everything that is crucial for this wedding will fall into place in time. I'm getting to a place where I'm not even nervous anymore.
So, one of my short term goals is to have a fabulous wedding and to marry the dude of my dreams (lol). And I'm almost there. Praises!
**This blog is dedicated to all of the people who have been in my corner through mental breakdowns and all-day errand trips: Rori, Danielle, Jerome, Mommy, Crystal, and above all, my sweetie JML.
For those who don't know, my fiance and I have made plans to get married in the VERY near future. Because of our time schedules and the fact that we live almost 6 hours away from each other, it makes sense for us to do things the way we are. We've planned an "intimate" ceremony with close family with a dinner to follow. But, regardless of the tiny size, this wedding is coming with all the fix'ns.
First, there's the dress: Without giving too much away, it is quite possibly the prettiest thing I have ever had the opportunity to put on. I feel more comfortable in it than I did in my prom dress. But it is the emotion that surrounded the purchase that impacted me the most. With this being the first purchase toward the wedding (and the fact that I went dress shopping alone, by choice), I was an emotional wreck. I cried in my car for about 20 minutes after I put the dress in my trunk. But, that was the first and largest hurdle I would have to get over in this process.
From here, everything else seemed pretty simple. I've picked out the rings, we've secured the venue, and I sorta have my hair picked out. From here, I still have flowers, shoes, make-up, and pampering. Oy-vey!
In all seriousness, I am in a strange zen-state right now. I have an amazing support system of friends and family behind me. I truly believe that everything that is crucial for this wedding will fall into place in time. I'm getting to a place where I'm not even nervous anymore.
So, one of my short term goals is to have a fabulous wedding and to marry the dude of my dreams (lol). And I'm almost there. Praises!
**This blog is dedicated to all of the people who have been in my corner through mental breakdowns and all-day errand trips: Rori, Danielle, Jerome, Mommy, Crystal, and above all, my sweetie JML.
Feb 14, 2010
How To: Maintain a Long Distance Relationship
The meaning of Valentine's Day differs depending on who you ask. To some, its a day in the year when you show your love with special gifts and unique activities. To others, its a Hallmark holiday, perpetuated by big business. Now, ask someone like me what Valentine's Day means.
I've been in a long distance relationship for over two years. That's two years of celebrating holidays on a Friday-Saturday-Sunday timeline. That's missing birthdays and major events. That's driving HOURS to spend a couple precious days together. Then there are long stretches of time apart, weeks of not being able to see the face of the person you love. So, to me, a Valentine's Day without my baby is a day when I am confronted with the fact that most people can be with the one they love and I can't. Not by choice, but by circumstance.
But all is not lost. Thank God for options like the phone and email. Without them, I don't know where I'd be. So that brings me to the first tip on maintaining a long distance relationship:
#1: Communication is the Ultimate Key!
Communication truly is the key to every healthy relationship. Friends need it, married couples need it, even coworkers need it. But the need for communication is magnified when you can't have a conversation with that person IN PERSON. I have always been a person who wears my emotions on my face. When I'm happy, I smile. When I'm sad, I cry. When I'm angry, my eyebrows scrunch. But you can't see that through text or a telephone. So I've learned how to vocalize my emotions and concerns. No long-distance relationship can last without it. At this point, I have become attune to what emotion corresponds to the sound of my fiance's voice and can react to that. That bond and understanding has brought us to the place we are in today, and I don't know where we'd be without it.
#2. Long distance relationships redefine "commitment"
Being away from your love for long periods of time really f*cks with you. Even if you have no reason to believe they could be cheating on you, you'll imagine a scenario where something like that would happen. You all know the old adage "Out of sight, out of mind"? That goes to an even deeper level under these circumstances. Right now, I live 6 hours away from my hunny. Of course I have thought (on more than one occasion) that something might be going on while I'm up at school. But, in my heart (away from my paranoid mind), I know that I have a man who is committed to me just like I am to him. I couldn't imagine screwing around and I know he could't either. So, another tip for the toolkit is knowing that times will be difficult, but it is the commitment that exists deep down within you that will sustain the truest of love.
#3. Missing them is normal
It is impossible to love someone and expect to be strong all the time. When your love is out of reach, times will come when the loneliness is all consuming. You'll get anxious; your throat will close up; you'll get angry and frustrated. Believe me, that's all normal and I'd be concerned if you never felt that way. It is necessary to feel like you miss that person and let that emotion sink it. That's really a sign that there is something genuine to the relationship. I had a difficult time comprehending that for a long time. Miss Toni Jones is not one for lots of emotion and damn sure ain't one for tears. But I'm not too proud to say that, on nights like Valentine's Day when I have to fall asleep by myself, I graciously let a couple drip-drops fall. For me, that just reinforces how determined I am to get through my responsibilities so I can be with my hunny. So go for it, let that emotion out. Don't try to be strong, because there really is no one you're being strong for.
Hopefully my musings reach someone out there. I know I'm not the only person spending this holiday of love alone out of circumstance. And I also know that a couple of these tips resonate across the spectrum of relationships. Communication, commitment, and the ability to show emotion will strengthen any bond.
So, this one goes out to all my friends and, especially to my sweetie Jenon. Keep doin' ya thing babe. Mami will be home soon.
I've been in a long distance relationship for over two years. That's two years of celebrating holidays on a Friday-Saturday-Sunday timeline. That's missing birthdays and major events. That's driving HOURS to spend a couple precious days together. Then there are long stretches of time apart, weeks of not being able to see the face of the person you love. So, to me, a Valentine's Day without my baby is a day when I am confronted with the fact that most people can be with the one they love and I can't. Not by choice, but by circumstance.
But all is not lost. Thank God for options like the phone and email. Without them, I don't know where I'd be. So that brings me to the first tip on maintaining a long distance relationship:
#1: Communication is the Ultimate Key!
Communication truly is the key to every healthy relationship. Friends need it, married couples need it, even coworkers need it. But the need for communication is magnified when you can't have a conversation with that person IN PERSON. I have always been a person who wears my emotions on my face. When I'm happy, I smile. When I'm sad, I cry. When I'm angry, my eyebrows scrunch. But you can't see that through text or a telephone. So I've learned how to vocalize my emotions and concerns. No long-distance relationship can last without it. At this point, I have become attune to what emotion corresponds to the sound of my fiance's voice and can react to that. That bond and understanding has brought us to the place we are in today, and I don't know where we'd be without it.
#2. Long distance relationships redefine "commitment"
Being away from your love for long periods of time really f*cks with you. Even if you have no reason to believe they could be cheating on you, you'll imagine a scenario where something like that would happen. You all know the old adage "Out of sight, out of mind"? That goes to an even deeper level under these circumstances. Right now, I live 6 hours away from my hunny. Of course I have thought (on more than one occasion) that something might be going on while I'm up at school. But, in my heart (away from my paranoid mind), I know that I have a man who is committed to me just like I am to him. I couldn't imagine screwing around and I know he could't either. So, another tip for the toolkit is knowing that times will be difficult, but it is the commitment that exists deep down within you that will sustain the truest of love.
#3. Missing them is normal
It is impossible to love someone and expect to be strong all the time. When your love is out of reach, times will come when the loneliness is all consuming. You'll get anxious; your throat will close up; you'll get angry and frustrated. Believe me, that's all normal and I'd be concerned if you never felt that way. It is necessary to feel like you miss that person and let that emotion sink it. That's really a sign that there is something genuine to the relationship. I had a difficult time comprehending that for a long time. Miss Toni Jones is not one for lots of emotion and damn sure ain't one for tears. But I'm not too proud to say that, on nights like Valentine's Day when I have to fall asleep by myself, I graciously let a couple drip-drops fall. For me, that just reinforces how determined I am to get through my responsibilities so I can be with my hunny. So go for it, let that emotion out. Don't try to be strong, because there really is no one you're being strong for.
Hopefully my musings reach someone out there. I know I'm not the only person spending this holiday of love alone out of circumstance. And I also know that a couple of these tips resonate across the spectrum of relationships. Communication, commitment, and the ability to show emotion will strengthen any bond.
So, this one goes out to all my friends and, especially to my sweetie Jenon. Keep doin' ya thing babe. Mami will be home soon.
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