Proper Concert Etiquette

So, I attended a John Mayer concert (featuring Michael Franti) at Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids last night. It was was a sort of ladies night for me, my friend Tori, and her sister Chrissi. Overall, I had a wonderful time. But for the life of me, I can't understand how some people still don't understand what the proper etiquette is for a concert. And, contrary to popular belief, there is an etiquette for concerts. That's why I'm here! Let me school you right quick:

Rule #1: Concerts are made for standing.
I don't know about any of you, but when I'm at home and I'm feeling a song, I get up and dance. I also dance at nightclubs, bathrooms, and kareoke bars. So, if I happen to be seeing one of my favorite artists in concert (Robin Thicke, Maxwell, Johnny Boy, etc.), why would you expect me to sit in my seat? I paid very good money for these tickets, so I will enjoy myself for every dollar I spent. And if that means that I'm standing up, you better not bitch if you're sitting behind me. Let me give you a prime example: I was at the Maxwell concert in Detroit not long ago and was having a good old time. But I heard a very old woman say "This is a grown and sexy concert; we all gon' be sitting down." Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Them tickets was more than a good pair of shoes. I'll be damned if I don't enjoy myself. You better get ur old ass up, or out.

Rule #2: It typically gets very hot at concerts.
If you've ever been to a concert, I'm sure you know how hot it gets. And, if you haven't, let me give you a mental picture: imagine about 600-1000 people standing in very close proximity to each other for about 3 hours. Most likely everyone's mouth is open and they're screaming the whole time. Besides the hot breath, there are no windows and the A/C looses its kick right around the 30 minute mark. Given this scenario, why would you wear a long sleeved collared shirt and a North Face fleece and expect not to be on fire? And, my dears, if you are stupid enough to do something like this, please don't lean over to me every 3.5 minutes and remark about the temperature of the room. You've been warned; if you cry to me about this, I will let you know about yourself.

Rule #3: Use caution when speaking to strangers
For whatever reason, alcohol + large public gatherings encourages people to make new friends with whoever might (unfortunately) be seated to the direct left or right of them. Beware of this. While I am not excusing the people who do this, I do want you to be prepared. You might encounter Tim, who happens to be there with a girl, but they're just friends, and now he wants to be your best friend. Tim will tell you his life story as soon as his not-quite-a-date date goes to the bathroom. He'll tell you how far he traveled for the concert, where he plans to take his not-quite-a-date date when they leave the concert, and what hotel they booked for the night. Just humor him with a couple quick nods and smiles. Also, look out for Kara. While she seems nice enough, Kara has had way too much to drink, and she will also become your best friend before the opening act packs up. By friend, I mean hanging all over you, shouting the lyrics in your ear, and inviting herself into the group photos you take with your real friends. Kara might need a little more nudging to get the hint, but she'll understand when you start leaning into your own friends throughout the rest of the night.

Rule #4: If you want to make out, buy the CD and take ur ass home
This final rule is also the most important. While I like to believe that its just me and him when I'm smoochin with my hunny in public, I know there are other people there, and it makes everyone feel a little less comfortable. If you recall from Rule #1, I spent a lot of $$ for these tickets, and I didn't pay for the impromptu soft-core happening in Row 6. Take it home, people. Or, just to be romantic, contain all the sexual tension for the bathroom stall you'll eventually sneak off to (CLASSY!). But seriously, unless its the end of a the night at a undergraduate basement party, keep it in your pants til you find a private place. That way I won't uncomfortably stare at you with the stink face while I should be focusing on John Mayer and his unusually tiny butt.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I hope these rules will make your next concert experience a little bit better. Please feel free to pass this along to the Tim's and Kara's in your life. They'll need it.

With love,
xoxo