How To: Maintain a Long Distance Relationship

The meaning of Valentine's Day differs depending on who you ask. To some, its a day in the year when you show your love with special gifts and unique activities. To others, its a Hallmark holiday, perpetuated by big business. Now, ask someone like me what Valentine's Day means.

I've been in a long distance relationship for over two years. That's two years of celebrating holidays on a Friday-Saturday-Sunday timeline. That's missing birthdays and major events. That's driving HOURS to spend a couple precious days together. Then there are long stretches of time apart, weeks of not being able to see the face of the person you love. So, to me, a Valentine's Day without my baby is a day when I am confronted with the fact that most people can be with the one they love and I can't. Not by choice, but by circumstance.

But all is not lost. Thank God for options like the phone and email. Without them, I don't know where I'd be. So that brings me to the first tip on maintaining a long distance relationship:

#1: Communication is the Ultimate Key!
Communication truly is the key to every healthy relationship. Friends need it, married couples need it, even coworkers need it. But the need for communication is magnified when you can't have a conversation with that person IN PERSON. I have always been a person who wears my emotions on my face. When I'm happy, I smile. When I'm sad, I cry. When I'm angry, my eyebrows scrunch. But you can't see that through text or a telephone. So I've learned how to vocalize my emotions and concerns. No long-distance relationship can last without it. At this point, I have become attune to what emotion corresponds to the sound of my fiance's voice and can react to that. That bond and understanding has brought us to the place we are in today, and I don't know where we'd be without it.

#2. Long distance relationships redefine "commitment"
Being away from your love for long periods of time really f*cks with you. Even if you have no reason to believe they could be cheating on you, you'll imagine a scenario where something like that would happen. You all know the old adage "Out of sight, out of mind"? That goes to an even deeper level under these circumstances. Right now, I live 6 hours away from my hunny. Of course I have thought (on more than one occasion) that something might be going on while I'm up at school. But, in my heart (away from my paranoid mind), I know that I have a man who is committed to me just like I am to him. I couldn't imagine screwing around and I know he could't either. So, another tip for the toolkit is knowing that times will be difficult, but it is the commitment that exists deep down within you that will sustain the truest of love.

#3. Missing them is normal
It is impossible to love someone and expect to be strong all the time. When your love is out of reach, times will come when the loneliness is all consuming. You'll get anxious; your throat will close up; you'll get angry and frustrated. Believe me, that's all normal and I'd be concerned if you never felt that way. It is necessary to feel like you miss that person and let that emotion sink it. That's really a sign that there is something genuine to the relationship. I had a difficult time comprehending that for a long time. Miss Toni Jones is not one for lots of emotion and damn sure ain't one for tears. But I'm not too proud to say that, on nights like Valentine's Day when I have to fall asleep by myself, I graciously let a couple drip-drops fall. For me, that just reinforces how determined I am to get through my responsibilities so I can be with my hunny. So go for it, let that emotion out. Don't try to be strong, because there really is no one you're being strong for.

Hopefully my musings reach someone out there. I know I'm not the only person spending this holiday of love alone out of circumstance. And I also know that a couple of these tips resonate across the spectrum of relationships. Communication, commitment, and the ability to show emotion will strengthen any bond.

So, this one goes out to all my friends and, especially to my sweetie Jenon. Keep doin' ya thing babe. Mami will be home soon.